my 'story book' journal

=) let's start everything with smile =)

belakangan ini aku lagi hobi nulis jurnal kecil, pertama2 nulis kayak diary, tp makin lama makin bosan krn aku ga punya hobi tetap =P
trus akhirnya beralih ke jurnal kecil, isi2nya gambar2 yg nge-represent isi hati sih, walaupun aku bkn termasuk seniman XP aduh, tpi ini juga hampir2 kyk metode terapi buat aku sendiri sih, cuma merasa, daripada bengong tiap hari punya pikiran ga jelas, mending buat jurnal! =D sayang aku ga bisa scan disini, lebih tepatnya agak privasi lagi hahahaha =P but believe me guys, it's fun! at least I don't have to think about something that I'm not comfortable with recently...

....

ternyata sampe sekarang aku belum menemukan orang yang bener2 tulus sayang padaku apa adanya..... pagi ini baru kepergok sesuatu yg sangat gak mengenakkan deh... ga bisa cerita sih disini, aga private hehe
tapi untung seharian ini aku keluar sama temen2, jadi agak terhibur walaupun hati aga blank... apa sih cobaan2 yg akan datang padaku lagi nantinya?

everything comes from heart..

If have to look back, I would always end up with scars
but I have gained too much pain to remember how lost I was before
until you came to erase my past and gave me so much attention
how could I forget you with your caressing smile

Carry me away with your love again
so I could open my heart and receive your warmth
Hold my hands tightly
so I know I will not lose someone like you

Last tuesday I walked along the street
I found out someone who cried loudly in the park
Look how I wish I can be like you
to wipe away someone else's tears

Teach me how to be brave enough to draw near people that need love
don't wake me up from this unforgetful dream
because I love to be trapped in your care
carry me with your love once again
so I know you care for me

apa sih maunya guru gw?!!!

hr ini abis kelas creative project....
laguku dipuji... tapi yg guruku mau bukan hanya ini.. katanya aku hrs cari painter untuk kolaborasi lagi... oemgeh... stress bener... painter dr mana... flat mate gw jg lagi sibuk2 kerjaannya.... T___________________T setidaknya... dia dan byk temen yang muji lagu gw, gw udah cukup bersyukur....
makasih atas doa seseorang untukku juga tiap harinya =)
siap itu, aku kirain bakalan ga ada tiket untuk liad Tang string quartet lagi T____T untuk perjalanan lama dr skul gw ke skul YST yg jauh ini ga sia2... akhirnya gw dan temen gw nanya masi ada tiket sisa, pdhl di email katanya udah habissss
kyaaa bersyukur banget aku hr ini... rencananya abis plg dr nonton konser mau buat jurnal lagi.. tp hari ini gw dah cukup capek sama main study piano lesson, creative class dan nonton konser.... jadi pengen drop langsung... *pengsan di tempat tidur.. nite...

"If I have to go, don't cry" part 1

namanya Aldo....

masih teringat, kenapa dulu dia selalu menghindari masalah yang berhubungan dengan publik

masih teringat, wajahnya yang penuh dengan senyum indah tetapi tersembunyi misteri dibaliknya

Saat itu, semua anak di kelas kami pada ributnya, kami sempat berbicara dengan nyaman, posisi aku dan dia di kelas hanya berjarak depan dan belakang,

"Al, kamu udah siap untuk pertunjukan piano akhir kamu?" tanyaku

"yah.. begitulah" dia tersenyum

"tinggal sebulan lebih aja kan, aku udah mulai merasa gugup! Oh ya... apa kamu akan dedikasikan pertunjukan kamu ke seseorang?" aku bertanya dengan rasa penasaran lagi

"dedikasi? untuk apa?" dia kebingungan

"iyah..... seperti aku, aku selalu ingin mendedikasikan permainan musik aku ke orang lain, supaya aku tidak merasa gugup, yah ujung2nya aku gugup juga hehe" kulihat dia tersenyum membalas perkataanku lagi

"menarik juga.... mungkin akan kudedikasikan ke seseorang di kelas ini" dia terdiam dengan wajahnya yang penuh misteri lagi

"boleh tahu siapa?" aku tersenyum dan bertanya

"nanti juga kamu akan tahu" katanya

Aku sedikit kecewa karena tidak mendapat jawaban yang kuinginkan

dia tiba2 merunduk dan pelan2 dia menggeser buku2 researchnya, dan meletakkan ujung lengannya untuk membantu wajahnya yang bersandar ke tangannya.

Saat itulah aku melihat dia pelan2 memejamkan mata dan tertidur di antara keributan2 di kelas kita. Aku lalu menghadap ke depan lagi dan menghela nafas, di pikiranku aku hanya ingin tahu apa yang dia pikirkan setiap saat karena sepertinya dia juga terlihat begitu kesepian walaupun dia lumayan terkenal dengan kepintarannya bermain piano dan juga temannya yang banyak.

Sudah lumayan lama semenjak aku mulai tertarik dengan karakter dia yang susah ditebak, dan kini sudah jalan 2 tahun....

Aku mulai berpikir kalau pertunjukan piano akhir ini, aku juga akan mendedikasikan ke seseorang...

to be continued....

COLOURS~

ini link untuk download lagunya COLOURS~
http://www.supload.com/listen?s=hrphpT
letoi letoi letoi, bulan ini bkl dikejar deadline2 semuanya T_____T
pening pusing lum sempet latihan banyak hr ini... >_<<<

COLOURS~ - finalize

ko hendyyyy akhirnya COLOURS udah jadiiiii kyaaaaa moga2 aja ko Hendy ga keberatan lagunya jadi gitu =P aduhhh drtd aku coba rekaman tapi susah, ini masih dlm midi juga rekaman background suaranya, akhirnya udah selesai, cuma aku perlu kasih tanda2 dinamika di scorenya...
aku udah upload di imeem, klo tar udah diapprove sama imeemnya ku post linknya ke sini biar ko hendy bisa denger =) drtd aku nunggu ko hendy online ternyata ga online2 XD XD ya udah =D udah cape, uda jem 11.30 malem, harus cepet2 buat dissertation lagi t____T

ahhh udah ada linknya, enjoy =)
http://www.imeem.com/people/mRtmQ7/music/E5Fvls-W/nelly-rii-lyric-by-hendy-colours-mp3/

only hope + windy hearts

There's a song that's inside of my soul

It's the one that I've tried to write over and over again.

I'm awaken in the infinite cold

But you sing to me over and over and over again

So I lay my head back down

And I lift my hands and pray

To be only yours I pray

To be only yours

I know now You're my only hope

Sing to me the song of the stars

Of your galaxy dancing and laughing and laughing again

When it feels like my dreams are so far

Sing to me all the plans that you have for me over again.

So I lay my head back down

And I lift my hands and pray

To be only yoursI pray

To be only yours I know now

You're my only hope

I give you my destiny

I'm giving you all of me

I want your symphony

Singing in all that I am

At the top of my lungs I'm giving it back

So I lay my head back down

And I lift my hands and pray To be only yoursI pray

To be only yours I pray To be only yours

I know now You're my only hope

comes from my favourite song, only hope by mandy moore and also by switchfoot...

what could you say if you are already losing any words to describe your feelings, pray for love, is that worth more than than anything else? what else could you say how inspiring our feelings could be..

a melancholy moment always treasured in minds...

I might not be feeling well today but after this lyric came back to my mind, I felt kind of relieved and much more better.... still I'm not in the mood to write out my feelings and then I came out with this words...

WINDY HEARTS

it's not about hurting

not about crying

now to think again, have you ever realized that you were wrong?

now to think again, you are having thousand sorrows to carry

but what have you got?

people tend to support you, yet at the same time, they make you fall

happy doesn't mean anything, sad doesn't mean end of the world

knowing something that you can't even accept, does that feel a little odd?

tell me once again what are those feelings?

oh no... maybe not... some lost their feelings and don't even know what is wrong

if only you could be better than someone else, maybe you don't have to feel like this

if only you could be a natural lover, you don't even have to hurt people around you

heart knows what you think and only you yourselves could make it better

one step ahead to go

look ahead and feel your heartbeat

one last cry to fall

and you will know you would change...

ACTUALLY, this lyric is dedicated to someone... someone that I can't even say a friend because I don't really know anymore how that someone has backstabbed me and has hated me for no reason before for so many times... I don't really adore but also I don't really hate that someone... it's just this words that I could dedicate to someone....

I pray for that someone to change...

Natasya and her brother...

not really a good things to add.... but... rest in peace natasya and for her brother... i will miss you two....

creative project 2

gilaaaaa hari ini hari yg tak terduga2, tadi main study piano lesson aku okeh2 sih, tp tetep ada dimarahin guru karena kebiasaan buruk saat main aku itu ga bisa dikoreksi XP aduhduh.. trus semalam aku udha coba buat lagu sekitar 4 baris dr lirik ko hendi, kesannya jadi aga melancholy, tadi jg udah diliatin kasi guru, trus guru blg aku hrs dokumentasi progress pembicaraan2, diskusi2 dan pendapat2 aku dgn ko hendi trus tar bisa dijadiin live documentary waktu aku tar presentasi gitu. wah wah wah *panik >_< tp gurunya ga bilang lagunya jelek, cuma kyknya dia tertarik dgn liriknya =D *selamat to ko hendi xD td jg kuceritain, klo poem ini di dedikasi buat precious personnya ko hendi, jadi dia jadi tertarik XD XD XD wah wah romantis yah si ko hendi ini =D

hmmm... besok aku akan lanjut buat 4 bait lagi... td temen blg laguku terkesan kyk lagu2 pop jepang ato kyk anime jepang >_< aduh kyknya aku jadi malu banget *kebiasaan dgr lagu jepang T_T maafin aku ko hendi, tar akan kukasi dgr introductionnya sama masuk sampe 4 baris itu, klo ga cocok bisa diubah koq =D tomorrow i'll try to work on it more after finish my teaching =)


my next creative project is about nature =.=" omg..... ini aja lum siap... aku harus cepet2! go go rii =D

"13th February" Grateful

what have i done to my days????????
i didn't practice enough, i didn't do enough, i didn't study enough, are these the words that often create the uneasy feeling for student?
i guess for me, it applies in certain way......
these few days, there were many certain people have drain out my passion and caused me moody maybe because of typical kind of questions?
at least, i wasn't moody to my closest ones, can you ever imagine you were in the middle of situation while things tend to push you to the rear of your standing position? why would that person be me then?

Well.. for now.. i don't wish to think unnecessary things, by the way... i am going to stop teaching music, as i'm preparing myself for the final exams, practices, projects submission and dissertation....

I am realizing that I've changed little by little because of what I've experienced in love? how about yourselves?
I have a person who always cared for me and stood up for me whenever I am down, the one who only can understand me and never make any complains to me, the reason why i mentioned that person now is because he is the only one i could think of while i'm having problems, and in fact, i'm talking to him right now, i'm feeling grateful because he could maintain his attention for me even though i often not being myself...

13 and 14, tomorrow is Valentine's day, who are you going to spend your day with? I'm going to watch concert with my friends tomorrow =) have a great one for all of you in Valentine's day, it doesn't mean that you've got to spend with the love ones, isn't it? =D it could be with friends ;)

COLOURS

lyric by: Hendy >>Marionette<<
translated by: Nelly

COLOURS

Sparkle amongst the shimmering droplets of rain,
Look how wonderful the colours of fairy
Among the seven colours of rainbow,
how many colours do you need to paint myself?

For you, blue draws out what’s inside the heart,
and the cloudy with the red twilight represents your smile

they said that pink is for those who are in love,
but for me, black is like blooming flowers

peaceful green , cheerful white, the innocent white,
but they have becoming darker for me now

if the sky could be the canvas, sea could be the painter
seven oceans couldn’t be painted on even though it becomes dry after then
what do they get for what I’ve painted on the canvas troughout the sky

I only know that you are the one who could understand me
blue is like the sea or the sky that are never going to be together

the bloody red and the black again represents the night

if you could use every colours to paint me
please make me a new colour, that's my request
All colours in this world couldn’t paint out our story
Only you could understand

if you could use every colours to paint me
please make me a new colour, that's my request

i hate to be true

well... today isn't my good day as well, especially yesterday lol =P
hmmm... i'm still unsure with my broken soul, why? maybe i am not trying my best yet i am still dreaming while others are stepping ahead from me... by the way, at least today i've tried to be true *maybe 50% out of my whole mind, to tell the truth, i really hate to expose myself in public, but these few days, some situation pushed me to be...

maybe i wasn't honest enough in the past, but now i'm trying to be really honest! ok! at least nobody would be thinking as bad as what they thought about me last time, i am imperfect, yet i'm polishing myself with courage, courage and courage!

ok, i'm not mad *it seems to be... lol =P how wonderful, 3 years best friend could be broken because of unbelievable things and thoughts... wonderful.... i just need to pray for that relationship... i've never wanted to be too engaged with some people because i couldn't believe them even until now..... if they are not believing in me, who am i supposed to believe then?


tonight i will start to do my creative project, GOD, please bless me

My Heart is Yellow

love? colours? how do you link them?

for me, certain colours have certain meanings..
reflection from our hearts often draws out colours without our acknowledgement
people from outside might understand what are the colours you're holding onto
but life tends to be unique and funny while you yourselves don't understand what colours you do want...

how about love then?
red represents love? maybe not... think twice, is your love white? pink? or maybe blue?
my love is sometimes invisible, i don't really think what colour that i'm thinking but i like yellow... to tell the truth, my favourite color is blue sea, but for the feeling i'm having right now might be nearer to yellow, it doesn't have to be stood out, it doesn't represent deep meaning, but it's simple and clear, it is light and bright, i don't want to hold any red or pink colours while i know that yellow is different from them....

how about you?

simple thank you

a comfortable jazzy tunes always fills up my mind with inspiration and delivers passion to my life

like now, i'm listening to winterplay's song "who are you", a simple lyric but filled with very innocence tunes.

I've just finished eating grapes, well it's almost 6 pm now, i'm not going to tell these grapes were for my dinner or something lol XD i might be scolded by my friends if i don't eat more for my dinner XD I felt a little bit of sad just now when my sister was going to airport and will be back to my hometown after taking care of me for one week, I bet if I went to airport with her and her friend, i'll be crying down my tears in front of them -____-" even so, she didn't let me to go with her because she was worried that there would be nobody to send me back home lol..

today again, i've learnt a lot of things that I never realized before, starting from my workshop class, although i was concentrating on learning my theory book *it's a sin of course, learning another things when there were something else happening in the class =P

but believe me, i tried to concentrate as well in the class and i am going to type the journal needed in this class.. *sigh what a tiring day... i've never wanted to be alone, but now i'm alone again, my sister will be going back to indo soon, i felt a little bit guilty for her because i didn't come along to send her to airport today after what she has done for me, taking care of me because i was sick, now i could tell that i love her so much even though we always had lots of quarrels before.... that's why i was almost going to shed my tears just now but i wasn't X( X( X(

what am i going to eat for dinner? should i? maybe i should go to near by shop to get some stuffs as well.... again.... by myself, but i'm fine because i still have friends who are care for me...

thank you for today =) i'm enjoying life

creative project

I really need someone to collaborate with... any poet, designers and anyone???
*sigh!
terms and conditions apply! LOL

it's getting better and thank you

tadi pagi udah coba ngeset alarm jem 8 pagi krn mau coba apa udah sembuh ato lum jadi bisa kul, emank kebangunnya jem 4 pagi gara2 diare, tp yah akhirnya mpe jam 6 br bisa tidur lagi, jadinya jem 9 ga ke kul soalnya perut masi sakit.

temen rumah ngupasin apel buat aku makan trus dr semalam disuruh minum oralit soalnya diare ga sembuh2 plus muntah, akhirnya hr ini sembuhnya XD xD *kemenangan tak terduga X( walaupun hari ini pelajaran2 penting udah kena skip huu..

thanks to cindy udah ngupasin apel dr semalam udah ngejagain aku.
malem ini cc aku bakalan datang ke singapore buat ngejagain aku, semalam aku jadi cengeng gara2 ini itu semua campur aduk, kirain keluarga aku udah lupa klo aku masi sakit, akhirnya smlm di sms cc blg dia bkalan datang XD, giliran dia datang akunya udah mau sembuh, gila aku jadi ngerepotin org sejagad belakangan ini haha tp aku senang sih, karena org2 sekeliling aku masi khawatir.

hanya bisa blg thanks to everybody deh karena perhatiannya, dan aku belajar, apa salahnya mencoba berdiri sendiri selama kita masih bisa, segala usaha itu pasti akan dihargai orang2 yang merhatiin kita.

gila sudah 2 hari gw sakit diare trus hilang selera makan, pdhl baru aja nyampe Singapore tp besoknya malah sakit, pdhl kemarin sakit 2 minggu itu baru bisa sembuh setelah nyampe di Indo, tau2 balik lagi sakit lagi T____T aduhhh
udah ke dokter sih, tp waktu pas ke dokter ga demam, tiap malam demamnya kambuh, hadu udah kyk nenek2 lah gw ini hahaha XD kerjanya tidur mulu gr2 minum obat yg untuk muntah2 itu.
mau makan apa yah? ini kerjanya otak gw klo pas jam waktu makan -___-" tadi aja maksa2in makan sup obat dan nasi putih, bener2 ga ada rasa. ga boleh makan minyak, creamy, dan ga boleh minum susu T___T diarenya lum sembuh2 lagi, ntah gw ada salah makan ato ga X(

Ini buat temen aku deh,

My very best dude
Day by day you take care of me
Even though I know you ain't good of these things
But you always try your best to be true

Your little words always give me courage to try again
Not to mention our simplicity of being friends
We are good enough to lean on each other
How many times do I have to say thank you if there is an unlimited attention from you

Thank you and thank you
that's all I can say when you are beside me
Thank you and thank you
Can you imagine how happy I am when I have someone to trust

Here I come with confidence because of you
I am trying to learn what mistakes that I've done in the past
Until then I know that I've grown together with you
Here I come with thousand loves because of you
We will always be best friends
Thank you for the love that you've shared with me.

the feeling of love creates a gravity of appreciation
little than i know the feeling of loving and giving
i have never expected to be with you so badly
until then i know that we were born to be together in this reality

seeds, leaves, flowers and birds are bringing out the symphony of love
not to remember how we used to be quarrelling uncertain things
but to remind us how we have liked each other and became stronger

blue sky, the sunshine and the sea giving us the harmony of love
not to forget our mistakes that we have created in our relation
but to remain the seed of caring and forgiving

I was born to say that I love you
even though we are apart by the thousand oceans
neither i could forget one little thing about you
I was born to be together with you
even though crowds try to prevent us from meeting
neither i could make my mind out of you

Don't you leave me without saying anything because it hurts when I see you cry
Don't be scared by all of the objections because you know we are trying our best
I love you and it was hard for me to say it when you wanted to hear it from me
I miss you and it is getting tougher for me to pass the day of 24 hours long
Let me be with you a little longer so that we can carve our love in an unforgetable memory
Let us to be together even though we are in the middle of crawling earth

Close your eyes and stay by my side
Until then I know that you will not leave me
Close your eyes and imagine that we are close enough to be whispering to each other
A simple word of love will ring our hearts

I'm searching for love that doesn't exist,
I'm searching for care that doesn't speak,
Needs fulfilling the curiousity of love,
but they say....... It is useless

Loving doesn't need intention behind the curtains
Gaining pain from loving always worth it
Tears will always fall if you are heart-broken
but they say....... It is nonsense

SOMEONE please give me an answer
SOMEONE please explain how would you love in a way?
I wanted to try but I would always fall apart
I wanted to love again, but I was in a mess of being lied of thousand words

Now I am living with a very little courage and trust
Recover me from these speechless scars
Please give me promising words that I can trust
Then I can come back to live again

"FORGIVE and FORGET" that's how people say,
"FORGIVE and LOVE" that's how they are now,
yet I am still waiting for love,
I am still waiting...... for a lover.....
I am reaching for love that never exist.

Torned Lullaby

Missing, depression, and emptiness in a silent night,
a little awkward feeling that causes you feel so down and trapped in cofusion,
why does world have to be so crowded when you alone feel empty,
fairytale shares promising romance and love, while people treat it as a silly illution.

Look through 2 miles of the windy black street,
tell me could you find something that hides your intention to walk further?
Why would you want to hear from others while you shut your ears from this dimension?
feel what I thought, then you could understand why I keep on living in this strange world.

Little mirror reflects your pale faces, people..
do you realize that we are sharing the same sky though we have different perceptions?
It makes sense that you worry too much after you had a big quarrel with the love ones,
but don't be fool anymore, we live to experience scars that are shapen into our live circles.

Now, look ahead a 100 miles and you have to know that you are wake up
are you walking half miles already then?
Don't you need to hesitate anymore while whatsoever, you already throw away that shameless thoughts?
Don't you cry anymore, we are living in this world and not to be a fool...


>>Someone will always love you<<

Pernahkah kamu merasa kebingungan, kemarahan, kehilangan kemauan untuk bicara atau tersenyum dan semuanya itu tercampur dalam suatu hari yang membuat kamu lain seperti biasanya. Teman2 kamu pasti akan mampir ke jendela hati kamu dan bertanya, "Apa yang terjadi denganmu? Kamu ada masalah?" Apa yang akan kamu respon terhadap pertanyaan mereka?

Bagi aku, dunia ini selalu seperti penuh dengan orang2 yang memakai "mask" YAH....... terkadang kala sangat mudah bagi kita untuk membaca mimik2 wajah orang2 di sekitar kita, seperti aku, menebak sifat orang2 itu kadang2 sangat mudah bahkan walau behaviour mereka itu tak sama dengan sifat asli mereka. Cuma, gak selamanya membaca sifat orang itu bagus... yang rugi itu terkadang aku sendiri, karena aku malah lebih menjauhkan diri dari orang2 tersebut. Terlalu terbuka di depan orang2 juga bukan seperti aku, walau aku lagi berusaha.. Semuanya telah mengepak sayap2 mereka untuk maju, tapi kenapa hanya aku yang berusaha menyembunyikan sayap2 itu?

"a little courage" itu kata2 yang selalu aku tepar kalau aku mulai depresi, sedih, dan merasa gak ada yang mengerti aku.. tapi itu selalu membantu aku untuk mulai berpikir 2 kali. Tidak sering aku gagal menjadi yang terbaik, tapi tidak sering juga aku gagal menjadi yang terburuk. Hanya karena aku mau mulai mengerti kesalahan aku sendiri, disaat itu aku mulai sadar kalau dunia ini seperti "GAME" kalau kamu kalah, kamu mulai penasaran dan memperbaiki kesalahan2 sebelumnya, seperti "SAVE POINT" hehe, bedanya, di dunia asli, kita tidak diperboleh mengulangi yang terjadi, tapi kita punya kesempatan mencoba lagi di chance2 lain. IYA?

WELL.... disaat2 begini, aku masih mencari dan terus mencari apa artinya kita hidup di dunia kalau aku belum mengerti apa yang harus kuwujud-in sesuatu yang berguna bagi aku sendiri...

A New Beginning and Again..

This year might be a tough year for me to go on to the next plan that I should have been thinking for some time. There are so many things that I've got to learn this year. Oh yes, for some short introduction, I'm Nel, often called as Rii, LOL. I'm taking piano classical and in my 3rd year now.

I've been thinking to furthering my musical studies at somewhere around Europe, well, it is easy to say so but somehow this thought really bothers me especially when i have to think about my lackness of performances experiences that often drove me to nervousness and I was always gone crazy after performances. It felt like tons of people looking to you as enemies and I was often thinking that they were going to laugh at my stupidity of mistakes that I've often made to my performances. Well... as time goes by, I could feel that there are some changings that have been brought to my life and my thoughts.

Last Monday, John Sharpley, my performance workshop lecturer, has thaught a lot of wonderful things I guess.. He gave us such a unique experience that we've never felt before...
He says, "Performance is like giving a gift, present, and love to your audiences, when you try to explore, you will know that you have never had such a huge desire to perform."
I guess what he told us were true... and that time when I got the chance to perform only short phrases of my recital piece, I felt that he was supporting my lackness and he showed me a lot of things and awareness that I've never realized before..

Thanks to him that every lesson I went to, I've always learned new things from him...

Though, something that still bothers me is ahead this week...

One more thing, thanks to one person that has inspired me to begin to draw out my thoughts in this blog ^^